Discover insights on creating an inclusive home for neurodiverse individuals. Learn from the author, Holly, and her experiences in educating guests about neurodiversity, disabilities and the need for individualised accommodations. The blog offers essential content for adult visitors, promoting open communication, celebrating strengths, and emphasising the beauty of neurodiversity. As a bonus, find practical resources, including downloadable templates to facilitate understanding. Despite potential challenges, the effort to create an inclusive home contributes to a more accepting world. Dive into this enriching content for valuable insights into fostering understanding and support at home.
In an ideal world, the burden of emotional labour in preparing for house guests wouldn’t rest solely on the neurodivergent and differently-abled…By taking the time to prepare your guests, you’re not just improving your space; you’re making a positive impact on the entire world.
Over the years, and through a number of successful and not-so-successful interactions, I have learned a bit about the process of preparing for guests. I used to spend a lot of energy helping my children to understand the idea of having other people in our home and what this might require of them (social stories and the like), but our family is only half of the story. So now, I have begun making sure that our guests also receive some preliminary information too.
Educating guests about successfully interacting in our home can be easier to do when they also have children because adults can be educated under the guise of ‘helping their kids understand’. Adults can often feel like they already know all there is to know, so sending them preparatory material can be an awkward exchange. But when I took on the role of advocate for neurodiverse kids, I decided that it wasn’t enough anymore to be non-ableist, but I actually had to take on the role of being ‘anti-ableist.’
What is anti-ableism?
Just as we have learned the importance of not merely being ‘colour blind’ or ‘non-racist’ but actually taking on the active role of dismantling institutional racism, simply declaring in general terms that you ‘value everyone and their differences’ is not the same as active engagement in anti-ableism. Anti-ableism requires you to name the inherent and institutionalised disadvantage and exclusion that exists for people with disabilities and neurodiversity and work to dismantle it. This begins within ourselves and then within our homes. This is why, despite the risk of making guests question my strangeness, I have begun distributing pre-visit information. An email can suffice, or a booklet that helps explain our home and our values, for guests to process before they visit.
Yes, this is a weird and un-customary thing to do. I have had to ‘get over’ my need to mask and fit in and employ courage to actually send it. I worried that my guests would take offence or feel judged by the implication that they had more to learn. However, I have been able to compensate for this fear by deciding that if the distribution of this material offends my guests, then I would rather that conflict occur prior to their arrival, than through micro-aggressions in front of my child in my home. First and foremost, my priority is to create a home environment that affirms neurodiversity and disability. I believe the world still has a long way to go towards inclusivity and my home should be a refuge from the requirement to mask or compensate. So, this also might involve some people self-selecting to not participate.
In the interests of honesty, I am not going to sugarcoat how creating an anti-ableist home is received. I have lost dearly held relationships due to my desire to allow my children to be their most authentic selves at home. However, realistically, this has caused less ongoing heartbreak than seeing my children squashed by the behaviour of adults who refuse to understand another’s perspective. Perhaps, had I sent pre-visit information beforehand, it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Words exchanged when we are already hurt can never be as well considered as those when we take the time to explain before the intensity of emotions lends their weight.
Essential content for visiting grown-ups:
- Defining disabilities and neurodiversity
To start the conversation, it’s crucial for your guests to understand the terms your family uses and the way in which they are used. Taking the time to explain to adults, either via a conversation (or as I prefer, in a template email that means I don’t have to repeat work every time we have a new guest). The difference between terms like disability, disorder and diversity might seem basic but it can go a long way in informing the kind of exchange you are likely to have with your guests. While you and your immediate family might be ‘neurodiversity-literate’, misconceptions still abound in mainstream society and it’s better to catch people up before they come and stay, and potentially hurt you by using inappropriate language.
- The importance of awareness
Creating an inclusive atmosphere begins with awareness. Ask your guests to please take the time to educate themselves about different disabilities and neurodivergent conditions, or in particular the ones in your home. This knowledge will empower them to engage in meaningful conversations and dispel any misconceptions that may exist. Asking them to read lengthy books or articles is unlikely to result in their cooperation. However, in this day and age, there is so much good content that can at least explain the basic concepts you want to communicate. Find a YouTuber or TikToker who does a good, quick explanation of the diagnoses or neuro-types in your home and include that with your communication. Remember, you have been engaged in the world of these diagnoses and neuro-types and educating yourself about them, however, this might be your guests’ first time really thinking about disability or neurodiversity at all.
- Open communication
Encourage open communication. Let everyone know that it’s okay to ask questions and express curiosity about one another’s experiences. This openness fosters understanding and helps break down barriers that may exist due to lack of knowledge. If there are questions you find triggering, be specific and direct about those in communication ahead of time. If you don’t want particular topics raised in front of children, then also communicate this ahead of time.
- Individualised accommodations for all
Every person is unique, and so are their needs. Be mindful of the individualised accommodations that may be necessary for guests as well as your own family. This could range from providing wheelchair accessibility to creating quiet spaces for those who may be sensitive to noise. By explaining the accommodations that already exist in your home and then taking the time to ask if your guests require anything specific, you are opening up the conversation about how everyone has needs and normalising the adjustment of space to accommodate one another. This could also be described as ‘leading by example.’
- Celebrating strengths
Rather than focusing solely on challenges, take the time to celebrate the strengths and talents of each family member. Every person, regardless of their abilities, brings something valuable to the table, and recognising these strengths creates a positive and uplifting atmosphere. Making sure that you state your children’s strengths and interests encourages guests to engage with this aspect of your child’s personality and is an important way to help foster a positive relationship. Perhaps ask your guests to bring something they like to do and might be keen to share, as this reciprocates your guests interests.
- Embracing neurodiversity means putting up with different perspectives
Neurodiversity is a beautiful aspect of the human experience. Embrace the differences in thinking, learning and processing information. Recognise that neurodivergent individuals contribute unique perspectives that enrich our collective understanding of the world. This even means celebrating those who think differently from you, or at the very least, understanding that it’s okay to see things differently. As long as your guests are respectful of your way of seeing things and treat your family with kindness and love, it’s okay if they are still learning, we all are. Taking the time to ask your guests about their needs, and what makes them feel safe and included is also part of what creates the environment of calm in which neurodivergent brains can prosper.
- Be mindful of language
Language matters. Being specific about the words you like and loathe gives your guests the scaffolding to feel okay about how they ask questions. Being deliberate about communicating your choice of words that feel respectful and inclusive to you allows guests to feel at ease that they won’t accidentally ‘stumble’ into making you feel bad.
Welcome to our home: a note on sensory sensitivities
In the template, you’ll find insights into effective communication preferences and household routines. We believe that by sharing this information beforehand, both hosts and guests can contribute to a positive and inclusive environment.
Content for children and the adults that belong to them
Try having conversations that give your child the context of the differences they are likely to notice. ‘You might notice your cousin behaves a bit differently from you. There are a number of reasons for that. They have different interests, and are a bit older, but also their brain works a bit differently than yours… Here are some ways you might notice they are different… Here are some ways they are similar to you… Here are some ideas of what you might enjoy doing together… Here are some ways you can give them the space they need to feel their best…’
If you can’t have these conversations directly with the kids yourself, taking the time to create a social story, with pictures of your home covering aspects such as where the children might be sleeping or the games and toys they might play with, will go a long way in making a harmonious visit possible. All children like the certainty of knowing what they are going to experience. Waiting until children arrive at your home and notice the differences in communication styles between them and your children will only be confusing for them. Asking children to process new information in front of an audience is unkind. No one likes to be put on the spot. Scaffolding children to enjoy their visit is a gift not only to them, but to their parents too. Remember, this will not be a ‘one and done’ conversation, but something that will need to be revisited. If you can, schedule a Zoom call or two with the parents and children who will visit, ahead of their trip.
Get to know our family
You can help establish a welcoming environment for kids who will be visiting these holidays by providing them with some information about their visit. We have created a template where you can add pictures of your home, details about the types of food served, as well as preferred activities and things that might be a bit trickier to do. Children thrive on certainty, and providing insight into their upcoming experiences helps avoid confusion.
Is all this work worth it?
14 DECEMBER 2023
WRITTEN BY HOLLY KARTEN
ND PARENT | EDUCATOR